FEAR

I am a perfectionist. I'll admit it.
But if you know me or follow my blog, you probably already gathered this.

I don't know if it's a innate trait or something that is a product of life experiences. But I do know that being perfect is something that I've struggled with for many, many years. I say struggled with because it's a battle that can never be won. There is no such thing as perfect.

What I just recently realized, however, is that I have a crippling fear of failure. 

I was listening to a talk on "Anxiety and Fear" at a recent M.O.P.S. (Mother's of Preschoolers) meeting and the speaker challenged us to think about what we are really afraid of. Immediately I thought of snakes, which is my number one fear, but I quickly realized that she wanted us to look deeper within ourselves.

I reflected back on my 32 years of life and then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

There were several life experiences that stuck out...

As a high school freshman I tried out and made the school basketball team. I was a pretty decent player with some good potential, but when it came to game time I didn't score one single point all season long. Whenever anyone passed me the ball, I froze. I couldn't shoot it. I was terrified of missing. So the coach gave me less and less playing time and I convinced myself that I was no good. I gave up after that season and never tried out again. 
Fear of Failure.

After completing my Associate's degree, I transferred to a 4-year university to earn my Bachelor's degree. My decision to go to Washington State University was based on their amazing Interior Design Program. I knew it was the perfect choice for me. But after one semester in the program, I quit and changed my major. I told everyone that it just wasn't for me, but really I had convinced myself that I wasn't as talented as the other girls in my class and that I'd never make it in such a competitive field. 
Fear of Failure.

I ended up getting my degree in Advertising and after completing my final internship at an Advertising/PR firm and a month of job hunting, I gave up. I just didn't have what it took to be a Creative Director and I'd never make it in that competitive field, or so that's what I told myself. Again, Fear of Failure.

Even when it comes to decorating my own house, I have rooms left undecorated and barren. Can you guess why? Yep that right. If it can't be perfect, why do it at all?

I KNOW. That's crazy thinking.

I don't know why it has taken me so long to realize that I have this fear of failure. Looking back at the choices I've made in life, it is so painfully obvious. There are so many things I've missed out on because of this fear. I now realize that in trying to avoid failure, I was actually failing by quitting. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy with how things have turned out and I love my life, but who knows what amazing things I could have done if I hadn't been so afraid...

I guess the first step towards change is admitting that you have a problem.

So here I am, saying, 

"I AM AFRAID OF FAILURE."

I started this here blog about a year ago because I love writing and I still have a deep passion for interior design. I had high hopes of turning my love of these two things into my career.  

But can you guess what? 

Once again I've gotten sucked into that vortex of fear. 

I don't have what it takes.

There are SO many amazing bloggers out there and I'll never be able to measure up.

It's a crazy idea that will never pan out. 

And so I've been putting off following my dream 

because I don't want to fail.

Last week I was visiting my Grandpa and I glanced at my dearly departed Grandma's perpetual calendar that hadn't been changed in months.

The quote on the page really struck me...

And it was then that I realized...

What have I got to lose?

So what if I fail?

How great would it feel if I succeeded?

So enough with the self-deprecating talk. 

Enough with the comparing myself to others.

Enough is enough.

I'm stamping out my fear.

IT'S GO TIME.

What are YOU afraid of???